Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
