the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I have fence marks all over my body
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
