Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
