On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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