why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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