apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
