Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
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That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
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Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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