it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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