Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
