Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
