the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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