Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
