Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
