its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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