Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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