Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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