tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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