Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
