Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
