he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
why do cheetos always look like penises
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
