i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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