I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
