Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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