so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
