cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
