I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
