I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
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Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
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I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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