I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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