Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
