I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
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