She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
