oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
