once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We just shotgunned beers for America
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
