He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
