She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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