how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
