That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
