i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
