Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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