xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
PANTIES FOUND
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
