can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
