I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize