I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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