new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
