dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
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I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize