I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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