Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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