Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
