i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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