you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
