yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
