someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
