On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
