Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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